I'm Sorry
by JapFreaky
Summary: A few days after Kamui had recovered from his comatose state, but he still hadn't gotten over Kotori's death.


**This is my first fanfic. I got the inspiraton from my friend when we were making up ghost stories and I just thought of Kotori's death. *tear* I don't like her much(more of a FxK fan), but her death is kinda horrible. In the manga, anyway. I tried my best but may have OOC-ness, not sure.**

**Disclaimer: Its kinda obvious, since this is FANFIC, but I don't own X/1999. If not, Seishirou wouldn't have died and Kamui wouldn't have faced so much unhappiness and X/1999 would not be on hiatus right now.. *mumble* *mumble***

* * *

On a bustling busy Tokyo city evening, many were along the streets, either enjoying the city lights or hurrying. Among them, an amethyst eyed boy walked up the stairs to his apartment quietly. His quiet and somber demeanor had contrasted with the others' vibrant behavior greatly. The boy's tousled black hair covered his eyes as he walked with his head down. He was returning home after his visit to the Diet Building where the dream seer, Hinoto, was. After many days of the dreadful incident which had broke Kamui's heart, he had finally gone to meet the crippled princess.

'That girl was destined to be killed by the Kamui of the Dragons of Earth, no matter which side you had taken. The future cannot be changed.' The fragile, white-haired girl had said. 'However, you still could protect the place where Fuuma could live in.' She had added with an afterthought.

Somehow, Kamui had gotten the feeling that Hinoto was trying to reassure him that it was not his fault that Kotori had been killed by Fuuma. But he could have prevented it! Maybe if he had not left Kotori with Fuuma when he had made the decision of being a Dragon of Heaven, the Kamui within Fuuma would not have awakened and killed Kotori.

Or maybe if he had tried harder to protect Kotori instead of just watching Fuuma kill Kotori, she could have been saved. Sure, he was couldn't move since Fuuma had him pinned to the wall, but he could have been more quick-witted and tried to break free of the glass shards. Then maybe he could have saved Kotori. Or maybe if he hadn't made the decision to be a Dragon of Heaven or Dragon of Earth at that time, Kotori wouldn't have died like that! The images of the grotesque way Kotori was killed flashed through his mind repeatedly.

'Stop, stop thinking about it!' he told himself as he opened the door to his apartment.

His apartment was messy, with many things scattered all around. He stepped past a pile of unwashed clothes. He didn't bother to clean up. He didn't see the need to anymore. He was walking towards his unmade bed when his eyes fell on a particular photo on the floor and picked it up. It was a photo taken quite a few years ago in the Monou shrine. Fuuma, Kotori and Kamui were around 7 years old and were smiling radiantly in the photo, innocently unaware of the misfortune befalling them as they grew older.

Emotions started welling up and tears threatened to spill out. Kamui put the photo on a table such that he couldn't see the cheerful picture anymore. Looking at the photo could only remind him that they couldn't return back to such a carefree life. Not anymore. Her death started to haunt him again as he was once again reminded of his powerlessness.

He waved his hand to dismiss the thought. He _really_ should stop having these thoughts. It was bad enough that he worried everyone when he had fallen into that comatose state, but he had to cause Subaru to tell him about his horrid past which probably pained him too. He should not trouble any of them any further.

Gritting his teeth, he crashed down onto his bed as he forced himself to sleep with the help of some pills. Soon, he drifted off to his sleep.

* * *

Kamui found himself in a very nostalgic place- the Monou Shrine. But the sky was dark and the place was quiet, almost _too_ quiet. Shrugging it off, he took in the surroundings, remembering the times the three childhood friends had spent together. The first time he met Fuuma, it was raining heavily. Fuuma had seen the soaked Kamui squatting at the entrance of the Monou Shrine, trying to shield the puppy from the storm, with no regards to his own health.

He laughed wryly as he compared the expression Fuuma had then to the one during the incident. It was like he was a different person... It _was _a different person, Kamui realized with a start. The cold Fuuma _was_ not the kind Fuuma Kamui had known. He somehow felt relieved as he realized the Fuuma that he knew might not be gone. Maybe he was hidden somewhere, just like how the Kamui within him was.

He stopped his train of thought as he saw the familiar big old tree beside the path leading to the house. He climbed up the tree easily and sat on his favorite spot on the tree. He recalled the time when Kotori's hat was blown by the wind and got stuck on the tree and the time when he and Kotori had climbed up the tree to return a fallen bird to its nest. The originally reassuring memories had turned bitter as he remembered that he'll never see Kotori ever again.

Through the rustling of the leaves of the tree, Kamui thought he heard a familiar feminine voice. He shook his head and laughed. _Now I'm hallucinating?_ He thought bitterly as he leaned back to the tree truck.

'..mui-chan... Kamui-chan..'

Kamui sat up straight, his eyes wide. _No... This isn't a hallucination. Kotori... She's calling me!_ Kamui turned to the direction of the voice, his heart pounding with something he couldn't place his finger to. Excitement? Relief?

At the center of the path, facing him was the beautiful light brown-haired girl standing beside a bicycle. Kamui remembered the bicycle as the same one the Fuuma and Kotori had taken to school together every day. He wouldn't admit it to anyone but he was always paying attention to the two siblings after he returned to Tokyo, even if he acted cold towards them.

'You know, Kamui-chan,' Kotori whispered as she caressed the handle of the bicycle. 'I loved to ride this bike with Oni-chan. The sensation of the wind blowing against you was really nice but you know, I can't feel it anymore.'

'Kotori..' Kamui jumped off the tree and landed on the ground with a small thud. As he looked at her, he breathed in a sharp intake of breath. He could see through Kotori. _This is the ghost of Kotori._ He realised, unable to look directly at her anymore.

For some reason, the fact that she was a ghost did not frighten Kamui. He could feel the relief and the guilt instead. The guilt for the fact that she was dead and the relief that she was still existing somewhat.

'Kamui-chan, you know why, don't you?' Kotori turned towards Kamui and her tender gaze turned cold. He couldn't answer, but instead Kamui found himself being pulled onto the bicycle which started pedaling by itself. He felt that this Kotori wasn't the usual gentle Kotori, but he didn't say anything nor resisted.

'Feels nice, right? The feeling of riding a bike, I mean.' Kamui felt a shiver when Kotori whispered right in his ear. Kamui turned to face Kotori only to see her floating right next to him, keeping up with the bicycle's pace. Kamui swallowed as he was reminded once again of Kotori's death. There was a lump in his throat and he could only nod in response.

Kotori's gaze turned into a menacing glare and she screamed. 'It was _your_ fault. If you hadn't made that choice, I would have still been able to enjoy this sensation. But now, I'm dead. _Dead!_ No dead person can ever feel this.' Kotori pointed an accusing finger towards Kamui. 'And as if that's not enough, that choice made the Kamui in Oni-chan awaken too!'

The speed of the bicycle increased drastically. Kamui gulped, unable to reply as Kotori continued in a fit of rage. 'And you broke your promise! You said you would protect me! But yet you let me be killed right in front of your eyes! You said I would be your bride but I didn't even manage to live till that age! All the promises you made, you broke them!'

With each word, the bicycle starts to pedal faster and faster as if responding to the anger from Kotori. Kamui too, was stabbed once again with each word by the guilt of not being able to protect Kotori. The wind slapped against Kamui, but Kamui paid no attention to the speed of the bicycle. The fear was nothing compared to the guilt building up on his chest.

'The pain of such a brutal death, you will never understand!' Tears of anger ran down Kotori's cheeks as she pointed a finger towards a particular scene playing in front of Kamui.

It was dark and ruins of the buildings of the CLAMP campus was everywhere. There was a huge cross suspended in the air with many wires tying Kotori to it. Kamui gasped as he recognized the scene before him.

'I was stabbed by Oni-chan,' the Kotori beside Kamui said quietly as Fuuma, no, Kamui of the Dragons of Earth, appeared on the cross, about to bring the sword down to kill the unconscious girl on the cross.

'N-no... Stop it!' Kamui said weakly, shutting his eyes.

He didn't want to see that scene again. Having his most trusted person kill the one he loved most right in front of his helpless self was too much for him to bear. He was already killed once. Having it replayed so vividly with her ghost right beside him would, no doubt, kill him _again_. The other Seals' worried faces flashed through his mind. Kamui didn't want to worry them and see those faces again, so he could only squeeze his eyes shut. But the Kotori beside him won't let Kamui have his way.

'Kamui-chan, you can't do that,' she put her hands on Kamui's shaking shoulders, her voice surprisingly tender. 'This was how I died. Look at the result of your broken promises. _Look_.'

Kamui obeyed despite himself. He opened his eyes to see Fuuma leaping off after driving the sword into Kotori's chest on the cross. As if responding to Fuuma, the wires that kept Kotori tied to the cross tightened and sliced her into pieces. Her dismembered body fell to the ground.

Kamui screamed. Seeing her death again made Kamui notice all the details he didn't during the first time and made Kamui feel even more terrified. The way the Kotori had shown no signs of being in pain as she was killed and the limp way each of her dismembered body landed. Kamui thought he was going to have the worst headache in his whole life. All these details made Kamui wish that he hadn't recovered from that comatose state. He won't have to face this.

A leaf flew past, cutting across Kamui's cheek and Kotori started laughing hysterically. The vision had vanished. Kamui was too absorbed that he almost forgot the Ghost Kotori beside him or that he was riding on an extremely fast bicycle. Kotori, undisturbed by the speed of the bicycle, wiped the blood away the blood on Kamui's cut cheek with her slender fingers and licked it deliriously.

'Drowning in your guilt of letting me die?' she tilted her head sideways and smirked.

When she received only a blank stare, her hysterical behavior disappeared. Her eyes were suddenly filled with loathing. 'It was all your fault! You're so pathetic. Rather than me, _you_ should be the one to die. You should have died in place of me!'

Those words _hurt_. Kamui knew that they were true, but having them slapped into his face like that left him unable to respond. Kotori let out one scream and glared at Kamui before disappearing. The bicycle then screeched and stopped abruptly. The change of the sudden direction caused Kamui to be thrown forward...

* * *

Kamui sat up in his bed, panting. He ran a hand through his tousled black hair. _It was a dream._ He had been having similar nightmares ever since Kotori's death and it was a wonder that he didn't wake up screaming this time. He sighed and tried to get up from his bed to get some water but there wasn't any strength in his legs. He wobbled and fell back onto the bed. Kamui lay there for a while, not moving before he started crying. The grief and sadness from the night's dream overwhelmed him and he finally broke down.

A form of a girl stood at the foot of the bed. Her long wavy light brown hair covered her back where her huge, white wings sprouted from. Her white dress shimmered as she moved nearer to Kamui. She placed her hand on Kamui's head even though she knew that he would not be able to feel or even notice her.

'Kotori... I'm sorry.' Kamui curled into a ball and cried. 'I didn't want you to die..'

The said girl paused and took away her hand, watching him sadly. She couldn't take it anymore. Ever since her death, she had been here every night where she watched miserably as Kamui torture himself, unable to do anything. He would wake up from his nightmares and cry. Then when morning came, he would put a mask and pretend he was fine in front of everyone. What he didn't know was that they didn't buy it and were still worried, especially Subaru and Sorata.

'Kamui-chan. It wasn't your fault, so stop torturing yourself… Please…' Kotori whispered helplessly, eyes brimming with tears even though she knew he couldn't hear her.

'Remember, I still love you and Oni-chan.' she urged.

Kamui showed no signs of response and continued apologizing.

_You have to go now. Time's up._ She heard a voice in her head and she knew it was time to leave for real. She bit her lip. As much as she couldn't bear to leave Kamui like that by himself every night, she couldn't disobey the higher-ups.

'The future is yet to be decided.' Kotori added, tears spilling over. 'And even if I'm not here anymore, I'm always watching over you.'

She tried to smile. Over the countless visits every night, she managed to hold in her tears but for some reason, she couldn't stop her feelings from flowing out when she realized this she could no longer pay a visit to Kamui again. She flapped her wings as she was enveloped by a white light and vanished.

Unaware of Kotori's last visit, the amethyst-eyed boy had buried himself in the sheets of blanket and continued his now daily routine.

'I'm sorry... I'm sorry...'

Only the tormented sobs of apology could be heard in his now empty room.

* * *

**It's horrible and I know it. It didn't turn out as nice as I imagine but please review if possible. It was nice to get this story out, since it had been sitting on my head for ages. *sighs* *goes back to mopping about how Clamp should finish X/1999***


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